


I really fucked it up this time.

by C Square (Emiko842)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Confused Karkat, Gen, Helmsman, Hot Chocolate, Illustrated, Memory Loss, Mommy Issues, Multi, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Pesterlog, Roxy is trying, Roxy will kick your ass, Snark, this is just not karkat's day, upset karkat, welp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-02-13 15:06:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2155041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emiko842/pseuds/C%20Square
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CG: JOHN, YOU NOOKSUCKING PUSTULE ON THE HAIRY ASSHOLE OF SOCIETY.<br/>CG: WE HAVEN’T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A SWEEP AND THIS IS THE GREETING I GET.<br/>CG: WELL FUCK YOU, YOU GRUB.<br/>CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I THOUGHT<br/>CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG} --  


CG: HEY, ASSLICKER.  


TG: nope

\-- [TG] blocked [CG] --  


CG: WHAT THE FUCK, THIS IS NOT THE TIME. 

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --  


CG: I GUESS YOU’RE ACTUALLY THE MORE SENSIBLE OPTION.  


CG: STATUS REPORT?  


CG: AND TELL DAVE TO UNBLOCK ME, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.  


TT: . . .  


TT: Hmm.  


CG: HMM? WHAT THE GLOBEFONDLING SHITSTAIN IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, WE HAVE A SERIOUS FUCKING SITUATION ON OUR HANDS AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS ‘HMM’!  


TT: So.  


TT: May I surmise from your use of his name that you are a friend of TG’s?  


TT: Hello?  


CG: WHAT.

\-- [CG] has left the conversation. --  


TT: Well, that was interesting. 

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectobiologist [EB] --  


CG: JOHN, YOU NOOKSUCKING PUSTULE ON THE HAIRY ASSHOLE OF SOCIETY.  


CG: WE HAVEN’T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A SWEEP AND THIS IS THE GREETING I GET.  


CG: WELL FUCK YOU, YOU GRUB.  


CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I THOUGHT  


CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND.  


CG: JOKES OVER, EVERYONE GO HOME.  


CG: . . .  


CG: JOHN I AM ALONE IN A STRANGE PLACE FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.  


CG: YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, NOW LET IT GO.  


CG: PLEASE, FOR BOTH OUR SAKE.  


EB: woh.  


EB: what :/  


CG: JOHN!  


EB: sorry guy, i think you have the wrong pesterchum.  


EB: my name is actually john though.  


EB: weird :B  


CG: NO NO FUCK YOU, I’M DONE.  


CG: FUCK.  


CG: YOU.

\-- [CG] blocked [EB] --  


EB: :(  


EB: ooook then.

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --  


CG: OK, FUCK.  


CG: I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE.  


CG: SO, HI.  


GG: ?????  


GG: hi??  


CG: YEAH.  


CG: HAHA, LET’S TRICK KARKAT.  


CG: WHATEVER.  


CG: SHIT, NO, IGNORE THAT.  


GG: :/  


GG: whaaat  


CG: HELLO JADE HUMAN, MY NAME IS KARKAT.  


CG: THIS IS WHERE YOU SAY ‘NICE TO MEET YOU’ OR SOMETHING EQUALLY INANE.  


GG: wow, thats kind of rude!!  


GG: i dont even know you D:  


GG: unless this is someone i do know playing a totally uncool joke on me  


GG: how do you know my name?? >:o  


CG: HAH.  


CG: WOW, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM DO YOU.  


GG: noo. . . . .  


GG: other than a jerk??  


CG: FUCK YOU TOO.  


CG: OK.  


CG: I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO THEN.  


CG: I’M NOT SAYING I DON’T DESERVE THIS.  


CG: I JUST.  


CG: FUCK.  


CG: YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY ONES ON MY TROLLEN LIST  


CG: I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE REST OF MY KIND-OF STILL FRIENDS WENT  


CG: AND  


CG: I’M ALONE  


CG: AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM  


CG: I THINK MOST RATIONAL TROLLS WOULD BE FREAKING OUT AT THIS POINT.  


GG: :(  


GG: ok so most of that just sounds really crazy and i’m not sure how to respond but  


GG: i’m sorry youre going through a rough time?  


CG: I THINK.  


CG: I’M GOING TO GO AWAY FOR A BIT AND HAVE A VERY DIGNIFIED PANIC ATTACK.  


CG: THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

\-- [CG] has left the conversation. --  


GG: what the shit


	2. Chapter 2

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- 

TT: David. 

TG: rosabilly 

TT: That is not even close to my full first name. 

TG: oh shit 

TG: now i’m curious 

TG: rosabal 

TG: emarosa 

TG: rose the rocker 

TG: give me a hint here 

TT: I’m shocked, years of close personal broship. 

TT: A relationship that started in animosity and a shared interest in the psychological ramifications of puppets, that slowly developed into the beautiful friendship of today. Through trial and snark. 

TT: And you don't even remember my name. 

TG: ok but in my defense neither do you 

TG: its dave 

TG: it has always been 

TG: just 

TG: dave 

TG: this is seriously upsetting lalonde 

TG: im sitting here holding a towel or nightgown or something against my delicate form, looking into your eyes 

TG: begging you 

TG: use my name 

TG: fuck 

TG: tell me that you love me for the real me 

TG: who the fuck is david and why did you say his name when we were reciting our wedding vows 

TG: why 

TT: . . . 

TT: I see you have completely given up trying to avoid the Freudian. 

TT: I’m afraid I will have to reject the clear advances that you are fruitlessly trying to disguise as a joke. 

TT: For you see. 

TT: I am not a hetrosexual. 

TG: *weeps forevs* 

TG: what if i wear heels 

TG: but really do you have a full name or are you just fucking with me 

TT: I do. 

TT: And it is . . . 

TT: Gadenheart The Bearded. 

TG: this is going to be some bullshit wizard name isn't it 

TG: goddamnit 

TT: Heh. 

TT: Oh yes, believe it or not I did actually have a purpose behind pestering you. 

TT: I was just messaged by a very confusing individual who seems to know you by name. 

TT: Hmm, maybe confusing isn't the right tense. 

TG: ok thats kind of fucked up 

TG: are you sure it wasn't john trying to up his stupid pranksters thing 

TT: Anything’s possible, though honestly the insult "Globefondling Shitstain" sounds more like Jade to me. 

TG: what the hell 

TG: what did this guy say to you 

TG: globefondling 

TG: what does that even mean 

TT: . . . 

TG: oh wait 

TG: ok yeah i get it now 

TG: globes are balls right 

TG: did they tell you to touch their balls 

TG: did they want to touch your balls 

TG: is this a pesterlog version of bad touch in any way 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent file --hairyballtouching-- -- 

TG: holy fuck its this douche 

TT: So you do know them. 

TG: nope sorry 

TG: but they messaged me a bit ago with ‘hey asslicker’ in all its gray caps glory 

TG: i just assumed they were one of bro’s weird porn people 

TT: And how does the possibility of being pestered by a person with a fondness for "plush rump" make you feel. 

TG: eh who cares 

TG: i can just block them 

TG: one sec eggman’s pestering me 

 

\-- ectobiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- 

EB: hey.

EB: doop de doop

EB: come ooon, i want to tell you about a weirdo who messaged me.

TG: let me guess

TG: gray capslock

TG: and a mouth full of weird insults

EB: yeah!

EB: and i think they knew my name?

TG: what the actual fuck 

 

TT: I will assume you mean Eggman as in John, not the cartoon villain.

TG: nah

TG: but real talk the same thing happened to him

TG: this is starting to freak me out

TG: one sec 

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: yo harley

TG: has a crazy person that writes in gray capslock happened to pester you recently

GG: yeeeeessssssss!!!

GG: how did you know??

TG: goddamnit

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on board crazy capslock dude --

\-- [TG] invited [TT] on board crazy capslock dude --

\-- [TG] invited [EB] on board crazy capslock dude --

\-- [TG] invited [GG] on board crazy capslock dude --

TG: sup

TT: Sup.

GG: whats up??

EB: . . .

EB: and you guys call me the durp.

EB: WOW.

TG: 

TT: . . .

TT: Well I never said I wouldn't follow clearly set trends.

TT: 

GG: XDD

EB: //ROLLS EYES

EB: didn't you used to hate wizards?

EB: i miss those days.

TG: wtf john???

TG: must you buzzkill omg

TG: be happy for rose and her crazy mom sheesh

GG: i’m happy for you guys rose!

GG: um, not to be a buzzkill ether. . . . .

GG: but what’s up with the capslock person

TT: Ah yes, to return to what I assume to be the intended purpose of this memo.

TT: They've messaged you as well?

GG: D:

GG: yeah!

GG: here, i guess i can just give you the log

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] sent file --thisiskindofconcerning-- --

EB: uh,

EB: did anyone else notice that they called themselves a troll?

TT: Yes.

TT: They also addressed Jade as ‘Jade human’, though they did not do that to me.

TT: Even their notification message suggests that they’re trolling us.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent file --hairyballtouching-- --

GG: :/

EB: :/ uhh.

TG: pfft

GG: oh ok!!

GG: that makes more sense

GG: don’t worry john it’s just her conversation with gray capslock

EB: why would you name it that rose.

EB: here’s mine.

\-- ectobiologist [EB] sent file --graycapslock-- --

TG: see

TG: now i feel inadequate

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent file --like2words-- --

TT: You do realize that you have let slip an analogy that leaves Jade wielding the largest, let’s just say "member", of the group.

GG: XD

TG: you’re both terrible terrible bad people and i hate you

TG: john you’re my new favorite

EB: i don’t know dude.

EB: do i really want to be seen around someone with a three word willywho?

TG: dead to me.

EB: heheh :B

TT: Well, looking these over has certainly given me more questions than answers.

TT: John, this person said they haven't seen you for three years, is there any way it’s someone you used to know?

EB: maybe?

EB: i don’t remember them at all though gosh.

EB: i think i am kind of worried about them? i mean what the heck, but also dude are you ok?

GG: me too i guess :(((

GG: i mean, i’m sure it’s just someone trolling us or something!!!

GG: and it’s not like they bothered to be NICE about it

GG: but..............

TT: They do seem to be in genuine distress despite these facts.

TG: ok cool yeah all worried about the crazy shouty stalker guy here

TG: but we also gotta think, like

TG: who the fuck knows our names??

TG: and they seemed to think eggdurp was playing a prank on them like yeah that’s the reason none of us know who the fuck they are

TG: youve got to know something about someone to know their weird pranking habits

TT: They could always be a hacker with severe psychological problems. Someone who has chosen to read other people’s communication and for reasons of their own fixated on this small friend group.

TT: Considering their typing style they clearly feel extremely inadequate about their own self image. It is very possible that they have trouble connecting to people in real life and have a deep fear of being alone because of this.

TT: Fixating on us, and establishing these false relationships, helps ameliorate the symptoms of their psychosis.

TT: It is very possible that they genuinely believe that they know us, in their head we are their friends, allies, lovers. As they get more frustrated and confused at our lack of recognition, our inability to play along with the story in their head, they may attempt to take things further.

TT: If they're this good of a hacker they could get more information. One day we may even find that they have taken the fantasy into reality, showing up at one of our doors with the delusion that the get together was planned.

TG: ok

TG: so any ideas from the sane members of the group

GG: D:

EB: D:

GG: oh noooo

GG: i’m a little scared now

GG: at least i live on an island

GG: and i have a gun

GG: an island’s harder to get to right?

TT: It is, though it's also the most isolated dwelling out of the four of us.

GG: DDDDD:

GG: nooooooo

EB: heheh?

EB: please end this with a bazinga, rose.

EB: please.

TG: omg

TG: lets just ask

\-- [TG] invited [CG] on board crazy capslock dude --

TG: hey dude are you a delusioned possibly psychotic hacker that’s going to show up at our doors and maybe kill us

GG: DAVE!!!

EB: DUDE, NO!

TT: Well, that’s one way to do it.

\-- [CG] is idle -- 

TG: untwist your collective panties please

TG: guy or gal or whatevers not even on

GG: but now they’ll be able to read this!!

EB: they’ll know we’re on to them.

TT: Admittedly, if you were to go by my theory, they would probably read it anyway.

CG: what.

TG: shit

CG: I MEAN, WHAT.

TG: uhh reconsidering

TG: shit

TG: mayday

TG: rose help

TT: I would like to point out that you got yourself into this.

TG: uh

TG: hi?

CG: YEAH, HI.

CG: GIVE ME A MINUTE TO READ THIS SHIT.

EB: (oh nooooo)

CG: BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PUTTING SOMETHING IN BRACKETS DOES NOT ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO I CAN’T READ YOUR TEXT.

EB: rude.

CG: . . .

CG: . . . . . . . . .

CG: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

CG:

CG: OK, IF THIS IS A PRANK REALLY PLEASE FUCKING END IT.

CG: I GIVE IN EVERY WAY THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO GIVE, I BOW BENEATH THE GREAT POWER THAT IS THE MASTERY OF THIS PRANK, MY BACK IS BENT LIKE A FUCKED STUPID DRONE WHORE.

CG: WHATEVER I DID TO DESERVE THIS, I’M SORRY, I REALLY AM.

TT: . . .

TT: I, see.

TT: Ok, let’s say, to hold on to this fragile illusion that this is not in fact a prank.

TT: That we do not know you, and you seem to be a somewhat unstable individual who knows our "RL" names.

TT: Do you think you would be willing to seek help if directed to a psychiatric ward?

CG: ROSE, FOR SOME REASON I HAVE FOUND MYSELF WITH GRUDGING FEELINGS OF LIKING AND RESPECT FOR YOU.

CG: WHEN YOU’RE NOT HUMAN DRUNK I TRUST YOU TO BE A BETTER LEADER THAN I WAS AND NOT GET ANYONE KILLED.

CG: BUT I THINK I HONESTLY PLATONICALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW.

TG: was the platonically really necessary

TG: vs what

TG: like hatemacking??

CG: I AM NOT GOING TO EVEN TRY TO EXPLAIN QUADRANTS TO YOU AGAIN, DAVE.

CG: DO YOU REMEMBER FLIPPING ME ON A TABLE?

CG: CAN YOU AT LEAST BE SHITTY ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT SMALL DETAIL OF YOUR LIFE!?

EB: um, yeah that.

EB: sorry if i sound harsh but,

EB: you know what, no, i’m not really sorry if i sound harsh.

EB: how the fuck do you know our names.

CG: OH! YOU DIDN'T HEAR MS. “A GOOD TIME FOR ME IS TRAPPING PEOPLE IN ROOMS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR HABIT OF HATEFLIRTING WITH THEMSELVES”?

CG: I’M AN UNSTABLE LUNATIC THAT HAS DECIDED TO FIXATE ON FOUR LITTLE HUMAN FRIENDS BECAUSE I’M SO BULGESNIFFING INSECURE AND AFRAID TO BE ALONE!

CG: I’M NOT EVEN GOOD AT CODING, I HAVE NO CLUE HOW I WOULD LOOK AT YOUR PRECIOUS COMMUNICATION, AND I’M SURE IT WOULD ROT MY PAN RIGHT OUT OF MY ASS IF I COULD!

CG: BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

CG: SHE DID GET ONE THING RIGHT, I AM SCARED TO BE ALONE.

CG: I’M SCARED TO BE ALONE, I’M TERRIFIED BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN COMMUNICATE WITH THE FRIENDS THAT ARE LEFT ON MY FUCKING HUSKTOP.

CG: I’M SCARED BECAUSE MY LAST MEMORIES ARE OF SITTING THROUGH ONE OF DAVE’S GOD AWFUL IRONIC ARTISTIC FILMS, AND THEN I WOKE UP HERE AND I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

CG: AND I KNOW YOU REALLY DON’T REMEMBER, BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT THIS FUCKED UP SHITSPEWING GAME WOULD DO.

TT: I understand that you probably do not wish to speak to me at the moment.

TT: But please know that we do not actually wish to harm you in any way. It’s simply that from our point of view you seem to be a highly troubled individual with more information than you should have on us.

TT: If you have input that could contradict these assumptions please by all means put it forth.

CG: OK, OK YEAH.

CG: WAIT, THIS IS ALL JUST GOING TO SOUND REALLY CRAZY TO YOU.

CG: MAYBE WE SHOULD USE THE DUMB VIDEO FUNCTION EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT?

CG: THEN MAYBE YOU’LL AT LEAST BELIEVE THE ALIEN PART IF NOT THE *GOD OF YOUR WORLD* PART.

CG: EVEN THOUGH THAT’S DUMB SINCE I AM SO OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR TO YOU.

CG: .... 

CG: THIS ISN'T HELPING YOU THINK I’M NOT A DELUSIONAL PSYCHOPATH IS IT.

TT: . . .

TT: I plead the fifth.

CG: I DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE WHAT THAT IS.

TG: uh dude, wouldn't that give you more information on us?

TG: like

TG: sorry bro but i don’t really want you to know what i look like

CG: SHOVE YOUR WEIRD ALIEN BULGE DOWN YOUR OWN WASTESHOOT.

CG: YOU’RE A PALE HUMAN WITH LIGHT HAIR AND YOU WEAR SHADES AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY TO HIDE YOUR MUTATED RED EYES.

CG: EVEN THOUGH HAVING EYES YOUR BLOODCOLOR IS PERFECTLY NORMAL, I GUESS I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

CG: YOU LOOK PRETTY MUCH LIKE ROSE, WHICH IS A ECTOSIBLING THING I GUESS? WHICH IS APPARENTLY LESS SOCIALLY WEIRD BECAUSE OF YOUR GUY'S FUCKED UP REPRODUCTION SYSTEM.

CG: WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

CG: YOU HAVE A KIND OF SPLOTCHY DARK PATCH ON YOUR RIGHT BUTTCHEEK THAT ACCORDING TO THE TERRIFYING HUMAN HEALTH PAGES I LOOKED UP IS PROBABLY NORMAL.

EB: . . .

EB: weird, did you just give him red eyes?

TG: what

TG: the

TG: HELL

TT: I can attest to the eyes, though I don’t think you've mentioned the birthmark.

TT: Ectosibling?

GG: ohhh

GG: when you say alien what do you mean exactly?

GG: grandpa always thought there might be extraterrestrial life secretly ruling the planet

GG: like, a super evil fishwitch!!!

GG: most of his stories were kind of silly though......

TG: sorry jade but i think we’re going to skip past that as we again question

TG: why this guy KNOWS I HAVE A BIRTHMARK ON MY ASS

TG: if this is bro’s fault i’m going to be so mad, i thought we were past the trying to fuck up my life thing but maybe not

EB: you have red eyes?

CG: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CG: DAVE, UNTWIST YOUR PANTIES, YOUR WEIRD HUMAN BROTHER FIGURE HAS NOT CONTACTED ME.

CG: UH, CONGRATULATIONS ON HIM BEING ALIVE AGAIN THOUGH. MAYBE???

CG: JOHN, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR PRIORITIES, IDIOT.

CG: JADE, I MEAN I WAS RAISED ON A FAR SUPERIOR PLANET TO EARTH.

CG: THE WORST, OR MOST AWESOME DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE, ASPECT OF WHICH BEING OUR GREAT GLUBBING FISHY EMPRESS.

CG: ALTERNATE TIMELINE VERSION OF HER IS PRETTY COOL ANYWAY.

CG: ROSE, SINCE I’M SURE YOU’RE FEELING LEFT OUT AT THIS POINT.

CG: NO WE ARE NOT GOING INTO ECTOBIOLOGY. JUST TRY NOT TO MAKE OUT WITH DAVE SINCE THAT’S APPARENTLY SOME WEIRD HUMAN TABOO.

CG: NOW STOP FLAPPING YOUR SEEDFLAP.

CG: GOD.

CG: I’M GOING TO VIDEO CALL, AND GUESS WHAT!

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER. 

\-- [CG] video called memo crazy capslock dude --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was an adventure in pesterlog formatting that I never needed or wanted to take 
> 
> and that's all I have written up so far 
> 
> If you want to suggest the pov for the next chapter be my guest 
> 
> ==> Be Dave  
> ==> Be Rose  
> ==> Be John  
> ==> Be Jade  
> ==> Be Karkat  
> ==> Be Someone Else


	3. Chapter 3

==> Be the snarky broad.

You are now KANAYA MARYAM. 

Kanaya Maryam has been edited out of this timeline. 

==> Be the other snarky broad. 

You are now ROSE LALONDE.

Right now you’re talking to three of your closest friends about a strange individual who has been messaging you. 

Getting an idea you open a new message box and pull it up next to the memo board.

  
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
TT: Roxy.   
TG: sweti  
TG: i lov u   
TG: BUT  
TG: F U   
TG: fuking ‘roxy’ wtf the fuk kid??  
TG: hwo did u ever evin find out that nme   
TG: ws it from my old wizaed fics   
TG: *wizerd   
TG: *was   
TG: u stil their   
TT: Yes, my apologies, I was talking to someone else.   
TT: Would you prefer I go back to "Mother", the counselor seemed to think this was healthier.   
TG: :(   
TG: yeh watevs   
TG: you BAD DUGDTER u   
TG: *daughter   
TG: *daugter   
TG: *snarky lil shit   
TG: anyway   
TG: what haps u want me to mak you coco   
TG: i promes to do it in a realy sinser an non pasive agresive way   
TG: *sinsear   
TG: and storny wetheer is COCO WETHER   
TG: and mayby RASIN THE DEAD WIT FUNKY SINCE SHIT WETHER   
TG: *SCIANCE   
TG: *SCIENCE   
TT: Mom, no.   
TG: is that no to th coco or the SCIENCE   
TT: It was in reference to the science, we have enough cats without adding zombie cats to the mix.   
TG: :p  
TT: I’m actually pestering you because I was hoping that you’d do me a favor.   
TT: Strangely enough I’m finding myself in need of someone who can do the "Mad Hacks" as you seem fond of calling them.   
TG: ooo exploting me for my awsome scilz huh  
TG: wht do u need>  
TG: *?  
TT: I would like information on a pesterchum user under the handle carcinoGeneticist.  
TG: carco wazit huh  
TG: ths punk do somthin to u  
TG: i cn fuk up theyr computer if y want  
TT: They haven't done anything yet so please leave their computer intact.   
TT: I want information on them partly out of concern for their own safety, I don’t believe this is someone who is doing very well.   
TG: k   
TG: *yet*   
TG: TIME TO UE M MAD SKIZ AND THEN MAK HOT COCO   
TT: Thank you.   
TT: Excuse me, I should get back to this conversation.   
TG: <3###  
TG: *,3  
TG: *fuK   
TG: buttcone the hek out of u kid  


Talking to her nowadays is so confusing. You’re relieved to turn your mind back to much simpler things.

  
CG: GOD.  
CG: I’M GOING TO VIDEO CALL, AND GUESS WHAT!  
CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER.  
[CG] video called memo crazy capslock dude  


You click the Accept Call button and five little boxes with loading screens come up. It vaguely occurs to you that pesterlog should not have the same functions Skype does, it’s simply not what it is for. This line of thought, however, can only lead to bad places and is probably telling of some higher being’s remnant guilt at twisting reality to suit their own purposes.

Your little swirly box thing is the first to load. 

You hope this works, your internet connection has been known to be pretty shitty. As the next little swirly box loads you bring it up to full size and attempt to make what you can of it. 

. . . Well then.

“Fuck you, and fuck your lusus.” His voice is somehow exactly what you expected it to be, husky but undeniably young with a strange hissy accent. 

“Was there really any purpose behind that string of words?” You raise an eyebrow and adopt a smirk “Your concerning desire to fuck a strange assortment of things, including nonsense words, has been noted.” 

The strange boy (Karkat?) at the end of the call’s only response is a double face-palm combo followed by two vaguely waving middle fingers. 

“HOLY FUCK, You are an alien!!!” You and the boy both wince, most of the time you appreciate Jade’s enthusiasm, but she can get loud. 

“No shit Harlay! Though from my perspective you’re the weird soft alien bipeds, I mean, you’re actually mammals. What the shitspewing fuck.” The look of interest that lights up on Jade’s face has you a little concerned, you hope she doesn't really believe any of this nonsense. You will admit, that is an Excellent costume, but it is nothing more. 

The grey boy has actually started to flail his hands with every word, his voice pitching further into the hysterical. “Wonderful, the douche lord himself is here, in all his coolkid glory!” 

Dave flips him the bird. “Fuck you too dude, I’m just gonna hang here til you explain what the hell is going on. No big. What the fuck, is that cosplay?” 

“Hey guys!”

“And the last asshole is here, our lives are now complete! Hallefuckinglujah!” . . . You hope the gray boy doesn't choke on his own spit or something ridiculous like that.

John snorts “Ok, you are way less intimidating now that I can see that you are just a weird shouty kid. Niiice horns by the way.”

As amusing as watching these interactions is, you feel like the conversation should come back to the point. “Sorry to interrupt but did you have any actual plans for this conversation?” You _almost_ regret speaking with the way the boy’s face crumples. It takes a moment to remind yourself that, beyond a general interest in any unstable individual's well being, you should not actually host a stake in this stranger’s emotions. 

“Wow, fuck. To be shiteatingly honest, not really. My husktop’s running out of power, and, I guess you don’t know me but, any advice for surviving on my own? Shit, I’m in some sort of forest I think, it’s more green and brown than it should be. Dave. My Dave, I guess that’s how I’ll refer to him? He was always talking about Earth’s giant hopbeast monsters, I really should have found out if he was fucking with me or not.”

The boy, Karkat, falls silent for a moment. No one speaks. You wonder if he’s noticed the light pink liquid running down his face, or the way his breath has shortened to gasps. You wonder why the liquid is pink, and how he got contacts with yellow whites, how he dyed his tongue black - or if it's somehow changed by the video. 

As your perception of the world as you know it temporarily crumbles your pesterchum notification informs you with a little ding that you have a new message. 

TG: HEY SWEEITE WE HAV A PROBLEM 

TG: AND ITS CALLED FUCKING BATTERWHITCH 

TG: ORGANIC TECNO SHIT 

TG: *BATERWICH 

TG: basicly this is the sam tech that the evil fuckng fish alein uses 

TG: WTF HAV U GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO GRL

TG: *HAVE

TT: What. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter
> 
> But hey, pictures 
> 
> Those are why this took so long 
> 
> My little sister gave me the suggestion 'be the snarky broad'
> 
> Edit: Figured out how to resize the pictures


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t actually have any idea how “Mad Hacks” work or if any of this would be remotely possible. If anyone asks I can always say Shenanigans.

  
TT: . . .   
TT: . . .   
TT: So, aliens.  
TG: TOTES ALIENS!!!  
TG: weeeell k   
TG: one alian as far as we no  
TG: shold i come up to ur room an show u the tots lagit prof of the evile alian baterwhich  


You’re pretty sure everyone in the call is staring at you.

That’s ok. It’s, as Dave would be quick to say, ironic. 

Jade is the first to speak “Um…. Rose?” 

The gray boy - Karkat. Karkat looks even more freaked out then he did before. “Not that I’m really one to fucking talk at this point, but holy shit, are you ok?” 

You don't respond and Dave’s face twitches. “Hey, that’s my line, dude. Rose, what the fuck? You know you’re sitting there, like, repeatedly hitting yourself in the face right?” 

You should give them some explanation of this strange and erratic behavior. Instead you use your non-hitting hand to pester your mother.

  
TT: This is the wizards all over again.   
TG: ok but i dont hav prof for the wizzerds   
TG: becose thy hide with to much magicks   
TG: lik the triky mothrfukers theiy are   
TG: i hav so muctch prof for the alian bettycrock fishwhich   
TT: Stop.  
TG: *witch   
TG: *whitch   
TG: k   
TG: im gonna hack ur top babe   


Before you can respond to this worrying assertion a new box appears in the chat and your mother grins at you.

“Sup bishes?” 

The reactions are amusing at least. Dave, Jade, and John have all talked to your mother over pesterchum before. (The woman had decided that ‘getting to know all ur lil friends’ was an important part of bonding. Needless to say, it was horrifying.)

You bury your face in your hands and try to resist rolling over and dying.

Your mother seems to notice your distress and attempts to reassure you “No worries sweetie!! I probs promise not to embarrass you.” Ah if only it was simple embarrassment that fueled the consuming despair that you are beginning to experience. What you wouldn't give for a parental figure who just didn't know the proper etiquette for satanic rituals or something silly like that.

John is the first to get over the shocked silence “Uh, wow. Are you Rose's mom?” You need to warn him at some point not to encourage her. 

“Johnny boi, I knew you’d know me!” Your mother hesitates, tapping her nails against the arm of her chair “*Boy” You almost hope she’s drunk, somehow, this would be less embarrassing. “Ok, soooo, I see here four nice upstanding human kiz. Hi human kiz!” She waves at the screen. The ‘upstanding human kiz’ awkwardly wave back. Dear god, your mother is an absolute madwoman. “And then there’s u” She points accusingly at the screen at what you assume to be Karkat “Wth the grey skin an the cute nubby horns and shit. I have some questions!” 

Karkat looks a little shellshocked. It must be his first encounter with someone who can misspell words out loud. Or perhaps he just hasn't gotten over the fact that a grown woman just appeared in your pesterchum call uninvited. 

“What the actual festering fuck.”

“Omg, can fucks even fester? I mean I guess if you, like, tear something an then -” You don’t need to hear this. If you beveled in cosmic karma you’d think this was some of it coming back to bite you for constantly messing with Dave. “Wait no, fist question!” Your mother’s face goes strangely stern. “Are you in league with the batterwitch? Are you and your nefaus, fuck, NEFA-rious organization coming at me through my kid? I will fuck you up even if you do look like cutie.” 

This is nonsense. You’re impressed at the complexities of this prank, no doubt your mother’s newest way to ‘leg one up’ to you. How much had she payed this boy to dress up and cry on camera, or does he just take pleasure in these sorts of things? Part of an acting class maybe? And honestly, how deep does this go? You're sure she could have talked John into playing along merely by mentioning the near holy ‘prank’ but what about . . . . Wow, reevaluating that line of thought you may be a little paranoid.

Karkat finally blinks and responds “Batterwitch? Damn it, actually, fuck. I’m sorry. You’re Rose’s lusus ancestor thing right? I shouldn't have tried to contact her, or any of these human kids. I hereby banish myself from any further contact! Do you want me to find something to swear to because I can tell you firsthand that the gods of this world are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits.” 

Your mother frowns and points an unsteady finger at the screen “OH NO, you lil shit! You’re not getting away that easy. I will have a lock on ur location in a sec, and then I will find you and make you beg to ur incompetent gods that you know the answers to my totes legit questions.” She hesitates. “I would also like a blood sample for science.” 

Karkat's response to this is, loud, and not very clear. It also displays an impressive vocabulary, you’re not even sure that part of the brain could be used as a satisfactory sex toy. 

He slams his computer shut and his video box disappears after a moment. You’re mother doesn't seem particularly distressed by this, which tells you that she likely already has the coordinates she needs. He could always leave his location, but she has ways of tracking people down . . . 

. . . Fuck. If you actually examine the events leading up till now, a humanoid alien existing who thinks you and your cohort are his friends and has a connection to an evil alien fish, is actually, SLIGHTLY more likely than all of this this being an elaborate ruse orchestrated by your mother. 

Goddamnit.

Your head feels like it’s swimming and you suck in a deep breath as you plaster on a polite smile. “Excuse me, Mother. May I talk to you? In person would be somewhat preferable.”

Roxy nods, a guilty frown tugging at her mouth “Ok Rosie, you finish up with your friends that I totally just barged in on and I’ll be down in the kitchen.” She smiles again “bye bye babues!” With a click of a key her video box disappears. 

Jade looks concerned. “Are you guys going to be ok?” You give into temptation and fall over groaning. 

“We’ll be fine. I just need to ask her about, well, aliens I guess.” With a short goodbye, and an almost ironically sincere sounding good luck from Dave, you shut off the call and go to confront your mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustration by the beautiful [iron-ingots](http://iron-ingots.tumblr.com/), go say nice things to them.


	5. Chapter 5

  
==> Rose: Confront mother in kitchen.

You don’t prepare for it like you would have even a year ago. No adjusting your clothes or makeup to mirror her perfect mask. You, still kind of want to but, Roxy isn’t - your Mother isn’t the same figure she’s always been in your life. You’re trying to interpret her differently.

On the way down you do find your mind wandering to the gray boy. You wonder who he really is. (Also why would he type like that? Can he truly not see what a huge give away it is? There’s overcompensating, and then there’s shouting in gray capslock text on a chat client with plenty of other perfectly acceptable color options.) Unfortunately the kitchen is not that far away and you can only distract yourself for so long. 

You find your mother at the stove. It’s a little strange to see since she's not in the kitchen much. In fact until you were about eight you had just assumed that meals magically appeared. You're the first to speak “So. May I assume you will be leaving soon to retrieve the, ah, alien?” There, perfectly even and non-confrontational. Damn, you are good at this open communications thing.

She smiles, and it’s a bit more natural than normal, too many teeth. “Yup, I have some questions I want answers for.” Than in an impressive show of insecurity the smile turns nervous. “Sorry for scaring him away though, I got kiiiinda caught up, but I guess he was your patient thingie?” she gestures to the pot of milk, grabbing a Hershey's syrup bottle and squirting a generous amount in “I can explain some stuff maybe? If you want, I’ll probably wait til after coming back to show you ALL the research, but like. Basic stuff?.”

You breath in slowly, thinking.

“Ok.” You sit at the small dining table.

It takes her a while to start speaking, and you are impatient. Eventually she takes the pan of hot chocolate and sloppily pours some into two mugs before sitting down and handing you one. “K, so. Uh, here, how about you just ask me whatever you want?”

You nod slowly, thinking, and decide to start with “Who is the gray boy?”

Your mother leans back in the chair “I don't know! Wish is frustrating since the organization's been trying to figure out more about fishsticks an her species since we became aware of her, with not super awesome results. An, like. There were some differences, the kid looked a lot smaller and doesn’t have fins? But still gray with tiny looking versions of her horns! Which is what our source says a lot of them look like.”

Ok then. “What is The Organization?”

At this she flushes a bit, using one hand to pull her scarf over her nose. “Um, yeah, sorry for not telling you about that sweetie! Jus, I thought it might be safer if you didn't know that I'm one of the leaders of a secret organization geared to taking down our evil alien fishoverlord who's . . . kinda Betty Crocker? I mean, if you wanna know my actual job, it's that. I don't do much field work anymore but me and old doublejunk dude are most of the communications and info department. Other than that I do some weapons development, plus drone take-down if they end up in the area.”

You suddenly feel the overwhelming doomed sensation of someone who has just realized that the more they ask the more confusing things are likely to get. You wish you had a drink. “Betty Crocker? No, ignore that. I feel like the 'Double Junk Dude' is definitely the most important thing here.”

She shrugs “I guess he's like her secretary or something? And according to him he has two di- um, privates.”

Great.

You don’t have anymore questions that you can articulate right now so you let her go. Now that you think about it you have seen her take off like this before, or declare that “some newb on th internets is getting a betten” and, blow up their computer you guess? You were never quite sure if that was a thing that should have been possible. Secret organization against an alien baked goods invasion though, everything explained. 

Not really, but after she leaves you decide not to go back to your room. Instead you take another mug of hot chocolate, a blanket, and one of her bright pink cellphones and resign yourself to watching cartoons on the couch and pestering your friends until she comes back.

  
==> Roxy: Rate yourself and rake ~~yourself~~ the woods

Wat.

You guess you’re flying over the woods in an awesome helicopter right now? Not really gonna do any raking tho. 

Why are you even thinking about this, maybe you’re going nutty? 

Oh hey, pings.

  
ik37t8000*, began trolling [TG]

??: 7G Y0U P13C3 0F 5H17 0LD DRUNK H4G L4DY  
??: WH47 7H3 FUCK84LL5 480U7 '5C4R3 7H3 74RG37 70 M4K3 17 H4RD3R 70 7R4CK D0WN 4ND C4P7UR3' 50UND3D L1K3 4 G00D 1D34  
TG: *LE wince*   
TG: u heard that huh   
??: 3U8WDU31DR8  
??: RF3D18UWUFVWURVF1URHFDW01UR38FGUWRFUYNF20UK4RFVKWUR38F  
??: L00K 47 7H47 5H17  
??: 1 4M U51NG MY H3LL4 4W350M3 8R41N 70 PR373ND 70 K3Y80RD 5M45H 47 Y0U  
??: MY F4C3 C4N N07 4C7U4LLY F1ND 5W337 H4RM0NY W17H 4 K3Y80RD  
??: WH47 D053 7H15 73LL Y0U   
TG: ur a swetie who cares about me doing my job right  
TG: an is totes gonna help me find the kid by tellin me were the tech is  
??: . . . . loading.  
??: . . . . loading.  
??: . . . . loading.  
??: . . . . ping.  
??: The Empire is displeased with your contribution, please prepare for annihilation.   
??: Also you are an asshole.   
TG: u know that dosnt work f reels unless ur tc changes  
??: R34L N07 R33L Y0U FUCKFLY1NG 5N4NK 4ZZ CHUM8UCK357  
??: 5H17  
??: 50RRY  
??: 4ND Y34H 1 G07 17 D0N'7 D0U87 M3 W0M4N  
??: 8R1NG 7H15 817CH 1N 480U7 500 M373R5 70 7H3 L3F7, PU7 7H3 5H4D35 0N, 4ND 1'LL 574R7 73LL1NG Y0U WH1CH W4Y 70 574R7 H0P1NG 7HR0UGH 7H3 7R335 L1K3 4 D3R4NG3D R1881783457  
TG: admit it   
TG: im ur favorit vid game charicter when ive got the shades on   
??: 1DK 8R0  
??: 4N1M3 DUD3 H45 5W0RD5  
TG: :o  
TG: :’o  
TG: ;(  
??: WH47 D053 7H47 3V3N M34N  
??: 0F C04R53 Y0U'R3 MY F4V0R173  
??: 4L50 WHY 4R3 Y0U 73X71NG 4ND DR1V1NG *W17H Y0UR H4ND5*  


Pssh, you could fly this thing with your feet if you wanted. Maybe.

You bring the plane down into the clearing that Double Junk Dude directs you to, only wincing a bit as the loud whirring of the blades waps against the trees. Cool, that wasn’t so bad. And this place isn't even that far from Potsdam, so double plus there. 

You make sure to check your guns before slipping on the shades, you’re not taking your shotgun this go round but two pistols at your calves and a modified tranq in your hand should be enough.

  
TG: u ready to rummble   
??: 1 L0V3 7H15 G4M3  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wrings sweaty hands* well, hahahah, updates will be more frequent now at least? 
> 
> My return to writing is pretty much all thanks to my pal [Ingo](http://gearstations.tumblr.com/), who is the best writing buddy anyone could ever ask for.
> 
> If you have any questions, memes, or notice any typos please shoot an ask over at <http://askirfiutt.tumblr.com/> \- you can also bug me to write more over there, I mean, I have the next chapter or two of this written out right now but I am lazy as frick.


	6. Chapter 6

  


==> Be NubbyMCnubs

You are now past Karkat. 

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO BE THAT. BEING YOU IS LIKE BEING SUCKED INTO A DARK CYCLONE OF DESPAIR MADE OUT OF THE DEFECATION OF THOUSANDS OF SICK WIGGLERS.

Yeah so you think you've stopped crying.

You shouldn't have been crying in the first place, sobbing is loud and dumb and you are going to be eaten by a giant hopbeast. But honestly WHAT THE SHITEATING SWEATGLOBES, WHERE ARE YOU. It’s fine, everything’s fine, this is probably one of the human’s weird as fuck dreambubbles and you are going to wake up any second now. (or find out that you died in some horrifically brutal and noble fashion) 

The contents of your sylladex are scattered around you so the first thing you decide to do is kick all your shit into a kind of pile, grab your crabtop praying that it’s at full charge, and prepare to start trolling people for answers. 

Except, when you open trollen instead of 16 names coming up you’re meet with four. All online. 

  
turntechGodhead [TG]  
gardenGnostic [GG]  
ectoBiologist [EB]  
tentacleTherapist [TT]

What the fuck, Dave better have some answers. 

You start crying again halfway through the conversation with John, mostly out of anger and confusion. You start laughing half way through the conversation with Jade, little giggles that you are really fucking glad no one is around to hear. 

By the time Rose’s ancestor butts into the call you feel just, tired. You think you babble a bit. Then she starts talking about interrogation and blood samples and you're not tired anymore. Swearing at your stupidity you slam the husktop closed and leap up from the pile. 

You have to run, fuck. You try to Captchalogue stuff as one 'pile of shit' to save time and nothing happens. FUCK, WHERE’S YOUR SYLLADEX. Kicking through the shit you grab a sickle and try to check your strife specibus, but NOPE, nothing. Screeeing in frustration you spin around and stab the biggest thing in your pile of shit (a very comfy multi person ass supporter) fully expecting the blade to bounce off. 

Your blade is firmly embedded in stuffing. 

WHAT THE FUCK. 

Oh well, despite it not really being posible without a strife specibus this is still the best thing to happen to you all night. Letting loose a battle SCREEEE you keep stabbing the fluffy ass supporter. This is a great use of energy. 

After you’re satisfied, (and the blade is dull, damn) you finally try and figure out what you’re going to do about the fact that an adult alien might have your location and be coming to interrogate you. The answer is pretty obvious, kiss sweet crabtop goodbye, find your two sharpest sickles, and start running as fast as you can.

  
==> PSIIONIIC: YOUR GRACE II2 WA2TED IIN YOUR FACE.

????  
WH47 7H3 FUCK

Shit, whatever man, you’ve got a lackey to play with. 

Derect. 

You mean direct, on a very serious mission. One that you could even say you are - BUDUM-TISH 

  
0F 7W0 M1N͏͞DS ͏ABƠU̷͟T̛.͘͘͝ ̶͢

  
??: FUCK Y355555  
??: 4LM057 7H3R3 87W  
??: 8U7 4L50 D0 4 5P1N JUMP  
TG: ill do a buitiful fucking peoret jus u watch me  
??: W0000000000000000  
??: N1C3  
TG: wonk  
??: 0H 0N3 53C G3771NG 4 P1NG  
??: 4U70 M0D3, 3NG4G3D  
TG: :( is auto mode all i am to u 

You load out of your current mind, carefully slotting in the protocols that hide you from yourself as you sink back into red lines. 

  
)(IC: yo guppy  
HM: You called.  
)(IC: gonna make this quick  
)(IC: cut a buncha shit an get the drone room working for a bit  
)(IC: or you’re ASS IS FISHBAIT  
)(IC: #sodone  
HM: .  
HM: Confirmed.  
)(IC: buncha shit doesn't mean my heated pool btw  
HM: .  
)(IC: fuck you man  
)(IC: i do knot need this kinda passive aggressive bullcarp today  
\-- )(IC stopped commanding HM --

Another set of protocol takes over and you decide to cut off your backup engines before rerouting, it’s not like you’re doing any serious flying anyway. Technically you could just increase your power output, but it would put strain on the hardware and you don’t need another biological meltdown right now. 

Something nudges at the back of your awareness, but you carefully ignore it, only letting it flash through your circuitry for a few microseconds. (You’re supposed to be doing something else, something that would further your empresses’ mission in this new world but, what?)

Hmmm. This model of drone building is going very slow, mostly because HIC wants them to look exactly like real drones. You would be way past the testing stage if she just wanted normal giant robots.

  
TG: yooo, ddd u with me  
TG: found the tech 

Fuck shit ow. 

Oh yeah, you were doing a thing. 

  
??: DDD???  
TG: double dick dude  
??: 0H  
??: 1 7H0UGH7 1 W45 ‘G0LD3N 34GL3 0N3’  
TG: ur wutevur u feel in ur heart  
TG: anyway, head in game! wat do u think a the crime sean  
??: WH47 7H3 FUCK 15 7H15 CL4M5H17  
TG: ye i know wtf rite  
??: WHY 15 7H3R3 4 CU5H10N3D 53471NG D3V1C3  
TG: y was it mauled by a bear  
TG: wut did it ever do to the world  
TG: 2 young 2 sweet  
TG: ;(  
??: ???????

It’s not actually that hard to find the way the impossible troll went. You mostly just watch through TG’s shades and adjust brightness and night vision settings. She has the whole tracking thing down, and to both of your relief this kid is no professional. You start reviewing the clip of audio log that you saved from the group call TG joined. 

Yeah she’s way too loose tongued, you’ll have to insult PF until he lectures her or something. 

  
??: R3M1ND M3 70 73LL 0N Y0U L473R  
TG: u lil shit i will end u 

It takes hours to track the troll down, you kinda have to admire his determination since he really clearly has no idea how to go on the run. Well either that or he just felt like cutting foliage to make an easier path would be interpreted as animal behavior. 

When TG finally catch sight of the target she hangs back, watching the kid from around a tree as he cuts a path through nature and mutters loudly to himself. God this shittard is bad at this. 

  
TG: so glad we stol ur tech  
TG: like, wat if i coudnt text rn  
TG: i woud b so bord  
TG: wadu u think should i tranq or talk  
??: 1 D0N'7 KN0W  
??: 7H15 K1ND 0F FR34K5 M3 0U7  
??: F15H817CH 15 7H3 L457 7R0LL, 5H3'5 833N 7RY1NG 70 F1ND 4 W4Y 70 8R1NG 84CK 7H3 5P3C135 F0R 5W33P5  
??: 8U7 3V3N W17H 8UCK375 Y0U'D 571LL N33D 4 M07H3RGRU8  
??: 50  
??: UHHHHHH  
??: 7R4NQ?  
TG: hmmm  
TG: nah lets talk this shit out then see  
??: 0K

You start fiddling a bit. Unless they’re in the heat of destroying stuff your operatives getting into confrontations always makes you a little nervous when you’re running on this mode of thinking program. TG knows what she’s doing though, it’s fine. 

She takes a moment to check her guns before circling around and making herself visible to the target. The wiggler might not be that bad at some stuff because he notices something’s up as she moves in, freezing and loosening into a fighting stance. Nice, nobody notices TG unless she wants them to, maybe he's a professional that has no experience with nature? When she actually steeps into his line of sight he goes ashy and you’re pretty sure if you had a noise you would be able to smell the fear on him. 

“FUCK.” 

You’re glad TG has a good view because you snap a few pictures with her glasses. The troll really is a wiggler, maybe around six - or seven if he’s short. 

“Yoo, kid. Sorry I got a bit salty, I def promise not to dissect you, that would be totes immoral.” 

Heheheheheh. He has super short little nubby horns, maybe HIC found a way of mutating humans to look like trolls? It would be weird that you didn’t know about it, but it could have been something she delegated through Crocker Corp? He has a sign and everything though, and his husktop seemed pretty modern for just before the vast glub. 

Something else is bugging you about him, but you’re excited enough to ignore it for now. 

“SO, IF I LIKE, RAN AWAY. RIGHT NOW, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT NOT SHOOTING ME.” 

  
TG: hey bit worried about wat he’ll do after I shoot him and before this stuff takes effect  
TG: i mean im bigger than him an stuff but im not the hand to hand guy an the alian kid knows how to hold a wepon  
??: :(  
??: 5H007 H1M W17H 8ULL375  
TG: noooooo

“Uh, I would probs totes shoot you then, sorry” 

[](http://s36.photobucket.com/user/C-Square/media/hshshashsjdsjjfheuii_zpsfw5s0j8i.jpg.html)

“WELP.” The next few moments are a blur of movement as kid moves towards TG with a flash of sickles. You only realize that he was probably going for her gun after she’s shot him twice in the chest and flashed away. 

The kid keeps moving, this time in the opposite direction now that he’s realized the hard way that TG’s bullets aren't instantly fatal.

  
??: H3'5 RUNN1NG 4W4Y  
TG: shit shot shit hit shit shit shit ship  
TG: *shit

For a second all you see is trees and bouncing and then TG’s gun is slamming into the back of the kid’s head.

  


??: 84C3D 0FF 7H3 CURR3N7 N0RM5 0F 7H15 PL4N37 7H15 F33L5 L1K3 U53 0F UNN3C3554RY F0RC3  
TG: ;(((  
??: 1'M 50RRY 7H47 W45 K1ND 0F 08V10U5  


  


A lot of slamming around and yelling is happening and you. Kind of. Fuck off for a minute. You’re still seeing out of TG’s glasses and monitoring her stats and stuff, but most of your mind is fiddling with the security cameras on your ship, or messaging secret shit board with ‘??: 7G 831NG 0WN3D 8Y 515 5W33P 0LD, WH47 D0’.

TG isn’t actually owned by the six sweep old, that would be silly.

  


TG: k done  
TG: ../..,  
TG: u stil ther  
TG: hey, u think he looks ok or  
TG: i just relezed i probs should hav teasted th date rape stuff in this thing on like  
TG: bugs or fish or somethin first  
TG: sinse it seemed like those systems were closest  
TG: if the kid dyes i tots promes ill go back to developsment  
TG: *development

You examine the target through the glasses, he’s face down and TG’s cuffed his hands and ankles. As you watch she seems to decide that the safest course of action is sitting on him. 

He doesn't look that injured, TG took the darts out, and you think the back of his head’s only a little bloody. You go through your database for brain injury tests and compare them to the data from this planet.

He's also yelling at full volume but that bit’s not your problem. 

  


TG: k wat now, cant realy transport till hes sleepin  
TG: well i can, ill just really regret the fact that i didn't bring a gag that can withstand those teeth?  
??: CH3CK H15 3Y35 4ND 533 1F 7H3 Y3LL0W5 4R3 G01NG R3D  
??: 1F H3 H45 50M3 K1ND 0F H1GH8L00D R4G3 G01NG 0N H3 M1GH7 83 48L3 70 8R34K 7H3 CUFF5  
??: 1 C4N'7 73LL WH47 C0L0R H15 8L00D 1F FR0M 7H353 7H1NG5, 57UP1D GR33N W33K HUM4N N1GH7 V1510N  
TG: . . . . dos ths count as child abuse if hes working for evil  
??: 1DK 8R0  
??: UHH 7RY 4ND 533 1F H3 C4N 7R4CK 5H17 4ND R3P347 84CK V3G3748L3 N4M35?  
??: 1 7H1NK 8R41N D4M4G3 73575 4R3 PR377Y MUCH 7H3 54M3 CR055 5P3C135

Something's going wrong with your programing, something is BUGGING you, about the impossible little troll. Part of you is still moving things around and directing energy to the drone room, part of you is watching HIC texting her board of directors in the pool.

Part of you, the part that you barely think about anymore, is hanging in the helmsblock slowly becoming more pink organic wires then troll body. Yooooou're pretty sure the disturbance is coming from your organic portion. Which, makes sense since it used to be a troll? Any memories of life on the planet are saved in the organic hardware. 

Which means it's a bitch to access, shit, maybe you saved some copies somewhere.

You’re still paying attention to the audio in the glasses. 

“Dude real sorry bout this shit, uh like, how does your head feel?”

“OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK, HEY HEAD HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BEING HIT WITH SOME SORT OF DRUG INJECTION GUN? THAT THROBBING AND PROBABLE BLEEDING WORKING FOR YOU?? NO I DIDN'T THINK SO, OH MY GOD I'M BEING KIDNAPED. ALIENNAPPED. WHATEVER.”

“Hey double dick dude was right, your eyes are kinda turning orange there, here repeat some vegetable names after me.”

“WHAT THE HELL, WHY.”

  


TG: k check this shit  
TG: eyes are turning orngy  
??: HMMM  
TG: gonna check the blood shit, heres to him not biting me

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NO FUCK YOU, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME I WILL BITE YOU I SWEAR TO FUCK”

The voice is nagging you, it's like, you're feeling things but you're missing the data that would tell you why you're feeling things?

“OW! WHY. I THOUGHT ALL HUMANS HAD THE SAME BLOOD WHY ARE YOU – EW.”

  


TG: k, it's regulur old human red colored, but it's kinda thicker an dosn't taste mitalic like ours would?  
TG: fuk, dif nutrent needs are probs too  
TG: what do trolls evn eat  
??: WH47? R3D 7H47'5 N07 R1GH7, 7H3R3 4RN'7 R3D8L00D 7R0LL5  
??: 1 HMM, 0FF 70 7RY 50M37H1NG 5UP3R D4NGRU5, 8R8  
??: PL353 PU7 '5W337 5W337 D0U8L3 JUNK, W45 843, 10/10 W0ULD 84NG 4G41N' 0N MY GR4V3  
TG: wait wut

You don't send all of yourself into the helmsman, just enough to be a pass for a complete person. This tech is ancient, the brain hasn't been booted up since the last meltdown and forceful upboot by HIC.

You slip in, switch on all the right bits, and get ready for what's left of a troll to start screaming. It does, and of course so do you because the troll thing is part of your system. You try sending messages straight into its head to calm it down and explain why you turned it on.

  


MT: 0H MY G0D 5HU7 7H3 FUCK UP Y0U 5K4NK455 L177L3 FUCK5H17  
MT: Y0UR LUCKY Y0U'R3 MY P0W3R 50URC3 0H MY G0D  
MT: 4ND 4L50 7H47 1 GU355 Y0U'R3 571LL D0U8L3 3QU1PP3D, 17 G1V35 M3 8R4GG1NG R1GH75  
MT: N0 R34LLY 7H15 FUCK1NG HUR75 70 W47CH C4LM D0WN  
23[  
4';k3sxdqx'qp/;';cqxXP#QKZ}Z  
,crnx  
XQo3jho3j  
MT: Y34H Y34H 1 KN0W, 5H000005H  
MT: D0N'7 W0RY, 1'M JU57 H3R3 70 G37 50M3 F1L35 4ND 7H3N 1'LL 5HU7 Y0U R1GH7 0FF, 17'5 0K  
MT: C4N 1 H4V3 4CC355?  
01001110 01001111 00100000 01001110 01001111 00100000 01001110 01001111  
3049RFHEFD98SHUI  
[]qw\;  
];s  
01001110 01001111  
][;\  
]'\7\  
01010100 01000001 01001011 01000101 00100000 01001001 01010100  
MT: JU57 74K1NG 17 W0ULD 83 PR377Y 84D, Y0U D351GN3D 7H15 P4R7 0F M3 R3M3M83R?  
MT: 1 M34N Y0U D1D 4 PR377Y 84D J08 47 M0R4L5 4ND 5H17, 8U7 Y0U 571LL 7R13D?  
MT: DUD3 :(  
332[-pw'[  
[P;L  
01010000 01001100 01000101 01000001 01010011 01000101 00100000 01001001 01001110 01010011 01000101 01010010 01010100 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001001 01001110 01010011 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01010010 01000101 01010011 01000101 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010011 01001000 01001001 01010100 01010011 00100000 01000111 01001001 01010110 01000101 01001110  
MT: UGG, JU57 54Y WH47'5 833N 8UGG1NG M3 Y0U 5H173471NG CHUM88UCK37!  
MT: 1 C0ULD D0 4N 1NF0 5C4N 70 L00K F0R 57UFF 0N R3D 8L00D3D 7R0LL5 7H47 R4ND0MLY P0P UP 0N R4ND0M PL4N375  
MT: 8U7, 1 D0N'7 KN0W 8RUH, 1 JU57 K1ND 0F F3L7 L1K3 7H3 W31RD F33L1NG5 W3R3 C0M1NG FR0M 7H3 817 0F M3 7H47'5 Y0U?  
.  
.  
.  
.  
you34rq3r094ifkwfuck  
.  
.  
.  
[]'['[;';'[;  
.  
69.  
01101110 01101111 00100000 00001010 00001010  
01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110010 01111001 00100000  
01101001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 00100000  
01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01111001 00001010  
01110000 01110010 01101111 01100111 01110010 01100001 01101101 00100000 01001101 01010100  
01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01111001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100011 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 00110110 00111001  
MT: N1C3

You probably did have backups of your organic data at one point. You understand why both you and the old meatsack decided to delete them. They’re crusted over with old feelings and horrors. They're also kind of fuzzy and warn with time so you do make backups again and store them both in yourself and in the memory data closest to the helmsman.

Mituna Captor, later known as The Ψiioniic, lived about as long as most lowblood psiionics of the time. He was a slave before he found a new ~~masterfriendslovedthem~~ way with the cult of the signless. And by 'found' you mean the idiot prophet himself snuck into the slave quarters to preach at everyone not on shift and see if anyone wanted to 'break the chains of slavery'. You were one of the few he convinced, and if you were to be honest to the memories of that troll, it was mostly because of a combination of 'fuck how dramatically can I commit suicide' and 'thit he's kinda cute, would pap maybe??'

The disapontment of finding out that he was totally and completely taken in all the quadrants by one badass fury that was also unfairly cute, kinda hot; was completely outclasses by the fact that freedom was a new terrifying thing that you were totally competent at immediately you swear.

The Signlesses death, the loss of your family, and later instalment into your ship are all memories that hurt the meatbag to share. You're kinda worried you might have to shut it down before HIC hears but they do get through.

This was probably stuff that you used to know, the reason why you've been part of trying to keep rebellions informed and safe even as you built up a lot of your mind to be HICs.

Bleh. This still doesn't explain much, just, who the kid's ancestor was.

You better report to your operative.

  
MT: 7NK5 M34784G Y0U 4R3 4 7R00P3R  
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110100 01110100 01101100 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100 00101100 00100000 01101011 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101011 01101001 01100100 00100000 01110011 01100001 01100110 01100101  
MT: 5UR3, Y34H 0K  
MT: N1GH7 N1GH7

You shut it down and check on TG, looks like she's been messaging you – how long did that even take? 5 minutes, ok cool, little sloppy but meatbag was being difficult. (meatbag is totally your new nickname for your helmsman port)

  
TG: huh maby the date rape stuff dosnt even work  
TG: seems lik hes goin pre strong  
TG: yups  
TG: wow hes load  
TG: *loud  
TG: so wat ammi doin now again  
TG: brb TT's messaging me  
TG: exept not reely brb cos cool megamind tech glasses  
TG: GOLDEN EAGLE ONE SIRE DOUBLE DICKS DUDE  
TG: u totes told on me ;(  
TG: eccept im not actul getting owned by a 515 year old?  
TG: unless  
TG: woh are fish people stull not grown up at 515  
TG: wow  
TG: what the hell man wher r u  
??: M155 M3 4LR34DY 5W337RUMP  
??: N0 51X, 51X 5W33P 0LD  
TG: oh ok typo i UNDERSTAN  
TG: how longs a sweep again  
TG: cos if i just beat up a sex year old  
??: 2.13 Y34R5 15 7H3 54M3 45 1 5W33P  
??: 50 7H3 C0NV3R510N W0ULD 83 4R0UND 13 70 16 HUM4N Y34R5  
TG: so pre much how he looks  
??: 1DK M4N 1 0NLY KN0W WH47 Y0U W31RD 8R0WN P1NK 7H1NG5 0FF5PR1NG L00K5 L1K3 FR0M 7H3 1N73RN37  
TG: holy ships dude how long has the fish even had you in her fasilites  
TG: PF IS MESSAGING ME ONG  
TG: hahaha, ye no  
TG: how long u think i can ignore ut  
TG: u know what im very buisy rite now  
TG: i have a goo excuse

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME ANYMORE YOU EXCUSE FOR A SENTIENT CLIMBBEAST, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE. I MEAN ARE YOU PLANNING TO SIT ON ME UNTIL I SPONTANEOUSLY DIE FROM INDIGENT EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD, OR”

TG pats the little redblood on the head, he tries to twist around to bite her but don't have the leverage.

“Just waiten for the date rape stuff to work.” So, your operative is kind of a idiot. The kid that now reminds you of someone you have a secondhand affection for stiffens and shuts up, letting his face get smooshed into the ground.

??: 7G UH  
TG: ummmmm, wow yeag

“Uh, no kid don worry, like, its jus for nooking you out till we get to the lab like then I contact the other leaders to figure out what we're gonna do. But I promise our prisoner of war captives are like, treated ok an stuff?”

??: 15 7H15 4 G00D 71M3 70 M3N710N 7H47 7H3 K1D M1GH7 N07 83 W17H H1C  
TG: uhm, no its cool

You watch with almost rapt attention through TG's glasses, the kid is weirdly quiet, but after a moment he nods into the ground. 

No one talks for a bit, not even you and TG. She kind of nervously tries to pat the kid's head. You know she's taken in people before, you've needed information and humans were dying because of the stuff that HIC – and you – were putting in motion. But, it's been a while for the little short lived human, and this might just be a clueless wiggler instead of a mercenary or politician.

Also she didn't just shoot him with bullets like she normally would have.

You're not sure if the kid falls asleep eventually because of the drug or because he was really tired and gave up. He could also be faking it but you know TG could take care of it.

  
TG: k if I die via super sharp teeth tell my kid I luv her  
??: 1 7H0UGH7 1 W45 5UPP053D 70 D3L373 4LL 1NF0 1 4CC1D3N74LLY F1ND 0N Y0UR 0FF5PR1NG  
TG: yeah but talkin once for that is cool  
TG: so hey should I drop the kid off at the mane harley place in ny or bring him home  
TG: which I gess I can do too cos I already came out the closet to the kid  
??: 1 D0N7 7H1NK Y0U W3R3 5UPP053D 70 D0 7H47?  
??: 8U7 WH473V3R FL0475 Y0UR 8047 8R0  
??: UH, W417, 4C7U4LLY Y0UR PL4C3  
??: 83C4U53 R3450N5  
TG: k

The Harley foundation would mean putting the kid in the system. The leaders have to be informed, but you might be able to keep this contained. The head bunch of losers all have emotional investments in offspring, you might be able to keep the wiggler off the experimentation block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know this chapter is a hot mess, the art however, is not. 
> 
> The first picture, and the coloring for the second was done once again by [Ingo](http://gearstations.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Bro. 
> 
>  
> 
> [](http://s36.photobucket.com/user/C-Square/media/tumblr_mwd04vyK1g1rtcfaqo1_400_zpsmn5wveu0.gif.html)  
>   
> (gif via [[link]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXKNZDD8sYY))
> 
>  
> 
> Please direct any questions to [Ask Irfiutt](http://askirfiutt.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

  
\-- Call Ended --

EB: well then.

TG: holy shit is rose ok, she’s gonna be fine right

TG: this is shit

GG: im sure she will be ok dave!

GG: this is so cooool :D

GG: oh man and it means grandpa was right!!!!

GG: i hope this doesnt mean some of his other stories were true…. O_O

GG: how well stocked are your guys underground bunkers??

EB: what.

TG: omg

EB: jade normal people do not have underground bunkers!

EB: why do you have an underground bunker!

EB: who even needs a thing like that.

GG: what DDDDDD:

GG: shit!!!! what about you dave???

TG: uh

TG: i live in the city

TG: i mean we had plenty of bomb shelters way back when

TG: ww1 or something

TG: but no

GG: D:

GG: WHERE WILL YOU GUYS GO WHEN THE APOCALYPSE COMES????????

TG: shit girl, if i could like buy one from the guy on the corner

TG: the guy waving around a “repent now save your immortal soul” sign btw

TG: i wouldnt because thats completely insane but id probably tell you i did to make you feel better

TG: because youre my bro even if you think the world is going to end via alien invasion

GG: dave shut up!!

TG: oh god does this mean my only sane fried is egdurp

TG: what the fuck has my life come to

EB: rude, man. rude.

GG: and im not crazy >:(

GG: proper apocalypse protection is suupeeer important!!!

GG: i cant believe you guys are so poorly prepared……

EB: um. ok, how about we talk about this later?

EB: i mean its cool and kind of weird, but what the hell just happened!

EB: rose’s mom seemed like she wanted to dissect the little alien guy? or torture interrogate him?

EB: :(

TG: he wasnt a real alien guy you looser

GG: wait really? :o

EB: that is up for debate numbnuts, rose’s mom sure seemed to buy it!

EB: what if it’s true, that makes us like, the kid who found ET!

EB: that was such a great movie.

EB: oh man, i think i should be feeling more freaked out about this?

EB: but he was so little in his big sweeter….

EB: and did you see he started to cry?

EB: i completely get you feeling that this is all somehow just extravagant hogwash dave!

EB: but. i think.

EB: i want to believe.

GG: oh hey, i know what that ones from!! :D

TG: I AM ASHAMED

TG: shitty x-files quotes bro

TG: why

GG: GG: ok i think i am just going to leave you dumb butts to argue about stupid stuff!

GG: i should try tracking down some of grandpa's old research!!! :D

GG: i will report back with anything i find <3 <3 <3

  
\-- [GG] has left memo gray capslock dude --

TG: damnit

EB: bye jade!

TG: dont leave me alone with this loser you furry witch

EB: rude.

EB: so rude.

TG: plz dude

TG: no more shitty quotes

TG: youre too sincere about that fuckery for it to be even remotely ironic

TG: aliens aren't real and all of your dreams are made of terrible acting

EB: bluh bluh bluh!

EB: that is what i am looking at dave, dumb heretical striderbabble.

TG: oh come on

TG: anyway weren’t you really freaked out about this guy earlier??

EB: that is when i thought the weirdo was, like, a huge bulky ax murder or something!

EB: not a tiny shouty guy that cries! im pretty sure i could beat him up for lunch money.

TG: ok thats actually kind of a good point

TG: it could all be an act though, turn your back and it like

TG: unhinges its horrible alien jaw and eats your head

EB: :/

EB: i thought you didn’t think he was an alien.

TG: fuck

TG: i mean i dont

TG: what kind of shitty cosplayer dresses up like a *humanoid* to try and trick people into thinking theyre real anyway

TG: humanoids are some star trek level shit, real aliens are probably like

TG: giant bug looking things or something

  
\-- [TT] joined memo gray capslock dude --

TG: oh thank fuck

EB: rose!

EB: how did it go?

TT: Blarg.

TT: Well enough I suppose, though my mother is quite confusing when she’s of a mind to be.

TG: give us a rundown gadenheart

TT: Well, to start my mother believes herself to be part of a secret organization geared to taking down an alien invasion headed by Betty Crocker.

TG: fuck you

TT: No thank you, though I will take the offer of intercourse to “heart”.

TT: I don’t really know why I put heart in quotes.

TT: Back to my mother, I couldn’t get much more information before she had to leave to try and track down the alien child. As it happens am currently microwaving popcorn and considering what movies I should distract myself with until she gets back.

TG: ok but really

TG: what happened with you and momma lalonde

TT: I assure you Dave I was being quite sincere.

TT: Really, this bullshitery is just the kind of thing she would pull.

TT: Though perhaps I’m being somewhat hard on her, I’m sure her delusions are not entirely her fault. Merely the result of a damaged mind.

EB: oh come on rose aliens could tooootally exist!

TT: Theoretically yes, considering the scope of the universe it is in fact probable that extraterrestrial life exists.

TT: But even ignoring the ill likelihood of humanoid aliens that are able to communicate or relate to us in any way, I would like you to briefly consider the source.

TT: The lunatic woman still believes in wizards. Wholly and unironically.

TT: Wizards.

TG: oh damn

EB: um, eheheh.

EB: it is ok rose, no need to think too hard about the wizards again!

TG: shit ok we believe you

TG: dont get messed up about those magic dudes plz

TG: i still have nightmares about when you found out she wasnt just fucking with you about that

TT: Ugh. Fine.

TT: And because I’m apparently harboring some self destructive impulses I think I’m going to marathon the Harry Potter movies.

TG: oh fuck yes

TG: tell us when the big hairy dude turns the asshole kid into a pig

TG: that part is the shit

EB: dude, can you really not remember hagrid's name or are you being ironic?

TT: Good question.

TG: give me some credit here i would not actually forget hairy motorcycle dudes name wtf

TT: I’m sure.

TT: Where did Jade go? I recall that the last time I asked she had not even seen the Harry Potter movies.

TG: what no way

TG: that is mad horrifying

EB: she left to find some of her grandpa’s research.

TT: Ok.

TG: who hasn't seen the hp movies

TG: that poor deprived jungle child

TT: I’m sure we can convince her to pirate them later.

TT: I’m starting it.

  
You all then proceed to metaphorically “listen” to Rose give the Harry Potter movies one of the worst ribbings in paradox space.  


  


  


  



End file.
